Even fat people can have those days...

I'm having a "fat day"... Scratch that, I'm having a "fat week". Not sure if it's "that time of the month" (since having an IUD, I've discovered it causes my body to just kinda shut off that business 90% of the time) or just lack of ability to be mobile the last few days (nasty wet weather and no space to exercise indoors), but I am having quite the adversity to anything but comfy pants.

Fortunately, my hubby has needed the car all week, so I have an excuse to be loungewear-attired: I'm not leaving the house! I actually did have a headache this morning, so when my mother called and asked if I'd like to go with her to town I played the sick card just to get out of having to put on "real clothes" for the day. It gained me a mom-visit (complete with lunch from the cafe) to make sure I was ok. Can't complain about being pampered by your mommy, even when you're 36!

I've been insanely busy the last while, all things leading to Easter and all - lots of last-minute work to finish up so everything goes smoothly. Sometimes I wonder why I work so hard as the music director for our church, but then a holiday comes and we get so many compliments on our hard work and I remember just how much joy I bring to other people through my talents and dedication. 3 years into my stint as head-music-guru at our beautiful country church, I'm finally hitting my stride. I no longer feel like it's pulling teeth to get my choir members to show up for rehearsals. I no longer feel like I need to "entertain" them, they're actually there to work - and are excited to tackle every challenge I set before them!!

I've begun writing and arranging again. Possibly considering using one of my original pieces on my choir this Christmas. Time will tell. Mom wants to use the piece I wrote as my final project for Theory class in college for one of her piano students (I happened upon it in a box of old textbooks while cleaning). I haven't had a creative spark like this, or genuine interest in my work in years. The scales are being removed from my eyes, put there by my creativity-suffocating ex as a means to control me and make me feel subservient. I'm terrified by all the thoughts and ideas and plans running through my unbridled mind. Overwhelmed. Yet so very very happy (to the point of tears as I write this). Hopefully my creativity will come back in other forms as well, as I used to take pleasure in many artistic ventures from photography to painting and drawing as well. We shall see.

Just some things I found in an old sketchbook while cleaning. Not sure when they were done, but I think a safe guess is 10-15 years ago...

An open letter to Just My Size:

An open letter to Just My Size: I have to express disappointment with your brand for the first time in as long as I can remember. I purchased a set of 3 panties for almost $13 this evening, and am going to have to try to return them. The sizing indicated on the back of the packaging is extremely off, even when compared to others of your brand purchased just 2 years ago. I've been buying size 11 panties for quite some time now, in fact just a week ago I purchased some Jockey panties that are size 11 and fit marvelously - if a bit on the large side! First, I'm disappointed with Walmart in Waverly, IA for not carrying ANY cotton panties in plus size that are fabric-covered-elastic (for those of us with sensitivity to the material the elastic is made out of and cannot wear "conventional"-waisted panties) aside from the "brief" style. I'm particularly short-waisted, and briefs look like shorts on me so I prefer hi-cut or boyshort-style. The ONLY hi-cut with a non-"conventional" waistband were your "seamless, soft comfort" style (433SAS). I bought the 12/13 (3x) size "to be on the safe side" and immediately upon trying them at home was infuriated at the thin feel to the fabric (see-through, really) that felt as though if my fingernails were longer they'd "run" like a pair of pantyhose. Secondly, they fit like a size 9/10. MUCH tighter and very uncomfortable digging in where the leg-bands and waistband were to the point I couldn't get out of them fast enough. This was by and large the most horrible panty-buying experience of the last 5 years for me. I've never been disappointed with your product before (though I've always had boyshort or hi-cut COTTON panties available to me before). If you're going to charge upwards of $4 per pair of panties to punish us "fat girls" then at least make your product run true to size and QUALITY materials so we have a reason to buy your products. There are many other brands who are FAR superior to you that we'll drive a distance and maybe even pay a little more to get because they'll last 5+ years (read: Jockey. I've had 3 pair of their "elance" style french-cut panties since before my youngest daughter was born and she's 5 1/2 and I'm just now needing to replace them. Your boyshorts in my panty drawer are less than 3 years old and have already become so stretched out that I'm needing to replace them as well!) Generally, I'd demand not only my refund but coupons to buy a different package... but given the fact the next nearest Walmart that *might* carry the size, style & material I'd want is the same distance as the Kohl's I can get Jockeys at, guess who's getting my business from now on?? Say goodbye to my money, Hanes - AND to the money of anyone who will listen to me complain...

CURVE by Fantasy Lingerie NOT sized correctly!!

I purchased a piece of lingerie at a Romantix store in Waterloo, Iowa this evening. When I arrived home, I attempted to put on said lingerie. The box assured me that a 3x/4x would fit Bust Size 48-52, and Hip Size 50-56. Not even CLOSE to the truth.

After getting assistance from my husband to get the piece unstuck from under my breasts and off (I'd hoped it was just bunched or wound in the back making it snug - it wasn't), I measured it. The bust ACTUALLY measures 22 inches across when stretched taut - 22+22=44. NOT 48-52. Measured the hip area stretched taut - 24!! 24+24=48. NOT 50-56!! This was not a case of "wrong item in the box" either - the sewn-in tag CLEARLY shows 3x/4x. Misleading, ill-sized RIP-OFF.

I am demanding a refund (price on receipt AND box i can send in a photograph or scan) for the $24.99+tax from the company or I will return the item to the store along with my SCATHING review of the products so they can choose whether or not to keep selling them.

This post will be ongoing...

****UPDATE****

I am impressed with the company for owning up to the problem and not only refunding my payment but also sending me 2 replacement options (that fit marginally better, but are still not exactly the size (in inched) printed on their boxes. PLEASE, ladies, keep this in mind when you purchase their products, and if it's possible (even if it's inconvenient) try the lingerie on before purchasing!

     Alright, totally time to update the blog and start using it as the journaling tool like it was meant to be! The picture you see above is me. All me. Only editing was cropping out the majority of messy closet behind me :p Now, while I'm proud to be who and what I am, and get tons of compliments on a daily basis on my looks, I know deep in my heart that I'm not healthy. I've had blood pressure issues since I was pregnant with my younger daughter that have never resolved. I am well aware that the persistent aches and pains aren't simply the mistakes of my youth catching up with me. Sure, some are from that broken ankle in 5th grade that never healed right, or the back injury that left me with 2 degenerative disks in my back, but they're being compounded by my weight. 

     Like I said, I am WELL aware. No need to be rude about it, or make snide comments to me or to others about me. No need to call me names or try to embarrass me. No need to treat me as a lesser person because I have an obstacle in front of me that's not in front of you. Everyone has their crosses to bear, their mountains to cross, their wilderness times. This happens to be mine. If I were a lesser person, I could find a character flaw/weakness/stumbling point in the lives of EVERYONE that chooses to point out mine in hopes of hurting me, but you know what?? I'm a BETTER person than they are so I don't. 

     Let them get what they deserve. A wise saying I heard once and have since adopted as my philosophy in regards to all people who are haters.

Answers To Questions In Your Minds

• I don't eat large amounts of food. In fact, I usually eat LESS than those around me. 
• I have a high amount of stress in my life, but it is diminishing slowly. 
• I don't eat fast food. I CAN'T eat fast food much, as I have many food triggers that give me headaches and cause my IBS to act up. I'd rather cook than spend half the day in the bathroom because McDonald's was convenient. 
• I don't eat "bad" foods very often. Whenever possible, I use low-fat, low-cal, natural and organic products in my cooking.
• I don't eat constantly or "graze" throughout the day. I eat only what I need to, when I feel hungry, don't over-stuff myself at meals or restrict myself to certain times I feel "required" to eat whether I'm hungry or not. I learned these tips when I was in Weight Watchers, and they HAVE helped me become more self-aware.

     I plan to exercise more as the weather improves. Exercising inside our house is pretty much impossible, as we've had furniture go through the floor already so i'm not exactly comfortable doing aerobics in the living room for fear of ending up in the crawlspace!! I plan to utilize my church's free exercise, kickboxing, etc. classes when I have the gas money to get there (if it's down to enough gas for Aaron to get to work or me to drive to church to exercise, guess who's getting the car?).

     If anyone wants to share their weight loss journey and blog alongside mine, feel free to subscribe and message me! I'd be happy to advertise your accomplishments and learning experiences with mine!!

xoxo

Contrary to Stereotypical Belief...

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One of these days...

One of these days, I'll blog about what happened with my ex, and why I left him. Many of our mutual friends & family didn't believe me, since he was so good at covering things up and talking his way out of problems - AND the fact he had me scared to tell anyone how I felt & what was happening because of his "connections."

I began likening the clergy-church "family" to a mafia organization...

But, I digress. Today is too beautiful to mar with images and thoughts of a very depressing past full of suicidal thoughts, emotional and physical beatings, threats, homelessness and missing money...

I plan on focusing my blog from here on out on the positive things I've learned about myself and attempt to put a humorous spin on my trials & tribulations. Hopefully, someone will read this blog and follow my links to discovery more about themselves. Moreover, I will discover what "freedom of speech" really means - since for the last 15 years I've been censored in what I was "allowed" to say for the world to see for fear that someone would read the truth and use it against me, costing my (now-ex-)husband his job. What I didn't realize then, was he was doing fine at losing his jobs without my help...

I left this one post from my previous blog because the story of Ambjor's birth was such a miracle to me. I'd blogged about my eldest, Kjersti's birth, as well - but again, was told to delete it because "someone in the congregation" complained... **sigh** If I find the text file, I just may re-upload it here! It's a humorous, tearful, happy story as well.

Until I find the words to say, and the time to say them, I will leave you all simply with the lyrics to three songs that speak volumes about my life. Thank you, Twila Paris & Amy Grant (respectively) for these wonderful expressions of my innermost thoughts!!

Lately I've been winning battles left and right

But even winners can get wounded in the fight

People say that I'm amazing

Strong beyond my years

But they don't see inside of me

I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down

They don't know who picks me up when no one is around

I drop my sword and cry for just a while

'Cause deep inside this armour

The warrior is a child

Unafraid because His armor is the best

But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest

People say that I'm amazing

Never face retreat

But they don't see the enemies

That lay me at His feet

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down

They don't know who picks me up when no one is around

I drop my sword and cry for just a while

'Cause deep inside this armour

The warrior is a child

I drop my sword and look up for His smile

Because deep inside this armor

Deep inside this armor

Deep inside this armor

The Warrior is a Child

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

When the weight of all my dreams

Is resting heavy on my head,

And the thoughtful words of health and hope

Have all been nicely said.


But I'm still hurting,

Wondering if I'll ever be

The one I think I am.


I think I am.


Then you gently re-remind me

That you've made me from the first,

And the more I try to be the best

The more I get the worst.

And I realize the good in me,

Is only there because of who you are.

Who you are...


And all I ever have to be

Is what you've made me.

Any more or less would be a step

Out of your plan.


As you daily recreate me,

Help me always keep in mind

That I only have to do

What I can find.

And all I ever have to be

All I have to be

All I ever have to be

Is what you've made me.

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

I may not be every mother's dream for her little girl,

And my face may not grace the mind of everyone in the world.

But that's all right, as long as I can have one wish I pray:

When people look inside my life, I want to hear them say,

She's got her Father's eyes,

Her Father's eyes;

Eyes that find the good in things,

When good is not around;

Eyes that find the source of help,

When help just can't be found;

Eyes full of compassion,

Seeing every pain;

Knowing what you're going through

And feeling it the same.

Just like my Father's eyes,

My Father's eyes,

My Father's eyes,

Just like my Father's eyes.

And on that day when we will pay for all the deeds we have done,

Good and bad they'll all be had to see by everyone.

And when you're called to stand and tell just what you saw in me,

More than anything I know, I want your words to be,

She had her Father's eyes,

Her Father's eyes;

Eyes that found the good in things,

When good was not around;

Eyes that found the source of help,

When help would not be found;

Eyes full of compassion,

Seeing every pain;

Knowing what you're going through,

And feeling it the same.

Just like my Father's eyes,

My Father's eyes,

My Father's eyes,

Just like my Father's eyes.

My Father's eyes,

My Father's eyes,

Just like my Father's eyes.

Again, I give a doctor a complex...

When our eldest daughter Kjersti was born, they had to page the doctor 3 times to get him to my room and he almost didn't get ready in time. That was blamed on it being April Fools' Day & him thinking the nurses were pulling his leg. This time around, I know it's just how my body works...lol...

I was admitted at 9am Wednesday, pumped with meds and left to cook, as it were. Things would come and go, and at some point overnight the doctor decided to try upping the ante by breaking my water (since it worked last time). However, the magnesium sulfate they had me on to prevent preeclampsia complications like seizures, etc. was fighting my body's natural ability to advance contractions. They started a pitocin drip on me in the morning on Thursday, slowly, and would watch the increase levels to try moving me forward gently. It worked like a dream thanks to a wonderful nurse (murse, as it were...) named Glenn. He was diligent about eying the contractions until he thought they were steady, then backing my meds off to see if my body would take over, and upping the dose if it didn't or if it slowed. The doc came back in around 10:45, checked everything and said I was up to 7cm and doing good but the outside monitors kept losing the baby's heartbeat when I'd move during a contraction so he put a little monitor on her scalp instead (yay - one less thing making my discomfort even worse!). He left to pick up his son from school & drop him off at home. That's all my body needed to know.

Once he left - nearly immediately after he closed the door - the contractions started coming closer. And stronger. I remembered from Kjersti the little signals my body was getting close, and I mentioned to Glenn that it was a lot of pressure and almost a "pushy" feeling, as they called it when your body wants to start pushing instinctively (kinda like how you can't control the stomach contractions when you're throwing up). He said to keep an eye on the feelings and he was going to get the other nurses to start getting stuff ready. The room was a flurry of activity, and the head OB nurse came in to check me out and see if it was physically safe for me to not fight my body's instincts. She had just answered the call from downstairs (her daughter was a nurse on 2nd floor and wanted to check on me since she'd admitted me on Wednesday) and told Jayne that I was ready and to watch for the doc to come back. I found out later that he'd gotten his son home and had just turned on the car, backing out of the driveway, when the call came to get back ASAP. He was apparently stripping out of his coat and sweater as he came up the stairs after Jayne told him I was nearly there. He came into the room, asked the head nurse if I was safe to push, she said yes, and he said to just let it happen. He got into his gown (but not the cover-up pants) as the second contraction hit and he told me to just push with my body's urges. He sat down, with a nurse tying the back of his scrub gown as the third one hit me, he said to push with it again, and she slid into his arms. Talk about timing, huh?

He's not used to being that rushed, usually a very methodical and calm man. It was kinda funny to watch him scrambling ;-) She passed all of her tests, looked nice and pink, and was a generally healthy baby. All 6 pounds 13.5 ounces of her, 21 1/4 inches long. 11:52am December 18, 2008 will forever be etched in my memory - just like April 1, 2005 has yet to fade. This time I was definitely more scared, for the safety of myself and the baby after all the medical complications and the threat of serious intervention if I didn't progress. I feel very fortunate to have worked with such wonderful nurses, doctor, and support staff at our small local hospital. I didn't get nearly the same individual attention and personal service at the larger hospital when I had Kjersti. I mean really, how many hospitals have a cook that does everything from scratch - including homemade banana bread, bread pudding with lemon sauce, cream chicken & veggies over homemade biscuits... We're so spoiled here in this small community hospital :-)

I want to sincerely thank all of our friends and relatives for their thoughts and prayers. We've got a few more re-checks to go (she's a bit jaundiced like her big sister was, so we're watching her blood levels closely) until we're given a completely clean bill of health, but we're well on our way back to "normal". :-)